Pah, I say. Who needs to have sex on Valentine’s Day?
After all, that’s why they made the internet, right?
Modern pop psychology is nipples deep in love with the idea of loving yourself and with good reason. Who is going to love you more than you can love yourself? How can you learn to care for others if you cannot care for yourself? (Insert another vacuous Instagram quote about loving yourself.)
In practice what this all means is that couples don’t have to be the only ones having sex on Valentine’s Day. All you need are some candles, your favourite lotion and an internet connection. With those ingredients and some dim lighting, you’re bound to have a wonderfully romantic night with yourself.
Take to social media
Perhaps you’re not ready to spend an entire evening strumming your own guitar. If that’s the case then never fear because the internet is full of options. One of the most popular ones is to maniacally post about how Valentine’s Day is just a farcical plot concocted by a diabolical capitalist machine that has warped our conceptions of love. Alternatively you could post memes of how lonely you are or even just angrily stalk your ex and silently stew about how he never used to do that with you.
The internet isn’t the end-all and be-all of Valentine’s Day activities. You could channel your inner Lord Byron, take pen to pad and wax lyrical about unrequited love.
Or grab an adult colouring book and pour all your anxiety into a wonderfully colourful mandala.
Visit your parents or grandparents
They’re the reason you are here so if anyone deserves to be your Valentine it’s them. Also, the better your relationship is with them, the more likely you are to get something nice in the will.
Let’s face it, you know where your hitched friends are going and it looks fun. They’ll have a lifetime of other Valentines Days to celebrate by themselves, this one is for you.