Pass the barf bag: Seven food trends that need to die now

Lifestyle

Pass the barf bag: Seven food trends that need to die now

What is it with these irritating novelties?

Jessica Brodie

What is the point of food trends? If something is delicious, leave it alone and enjoy it. If something is disgusting, no amount of rainbow coloured sprinkles is going to perk it up. But year after year some silly fool in the food industry comes up with a plan they think will sell their schlock to the masses.
Places that have to explain ‘how the menu works’
I’m pretty certain it’s food, price, food, price, food price.Green juice
Beloved of millennials, yogis, vegans and yuppies, green juice is the crossover success seen as a miracle elixir capable of alkalising! Detoxifying! Boosting metabolism! Curing hangovers! The truth is that green juice is just juice. And unless it tastes really bitter it is more fruit than leafy greens, which in turn means it is packed full of sugar. Drink it if you enjoy juice, but if you have functioning kidneys then congratulations, you are detoxifying yourself right now.Smoothie bowls
No. Just no. Cold morning soup that’s neither liquid nor solid is gross enough, but honestly, who eats like this? Who is carving figs, making mermaid swirls, layering orange slices with the skin still on them? Whole cherries with stems and pips intact? Dragonfruit stars? Have you ever made one? Me neither. The answer is: nobody actually eats like this.Superfoods
Should be known as cool-new-foods-from far-flung-places-that-are-not-unhealthy. Prime culprits are chia seeds (South America), goji berries (China) and quinoa (South America). These foods are not bad for you, but there is no differentiation between healthy foods and superfoods. Superfoods are just cool on Instagram. There is no superfood that will magically cure you of an ongoing shoddy diet or improve your already healthy diet so much that you live forever. Learn about basic nutrition and seasonal eating: all food is super.Activated charcoal
It tastes like nothing. It feels like sand in your mouth. It is doing nothing for you in a burger bun or an ice cream. It is hipster food colouring. Your body already detoxifies itself. It is in fact amazing at that. It is expensive ground-up burnt wood. Your money is literally going up in flames.Freakshakes
Instagram, you are too blame again. I’m sorry but all of these look like someone else’s child’s art project. Also they are a freezing gloopy mess, likely to topple any moment.Rainbow food
Do you think food dye is bad? Preservatives? Artificial ingredients? E numbers? Oh you do! So then what about this is appealing? Everyone knows that we should be eating less of these things, but somehow if you put the word unicorn or rainbow on it, peoples’ brains short-circuit and suddenly additives are in. To be so vividly hued these foods are nuked with artificial things. There was nothing wrong with a grilled cheese or a cake that it needed such a garish makeover.

This article is reserved for Times Select subscribers.
A subscription gives you full digital access to all Times Select content.

Times Select

Already subscribed? Simply sign in below.

Questions or problems?
Email helpdesk@timeslive.co.za or call 0860 52 52 00.