Shopping killed Cupid, so give me an IOU instead
Shoot the silly angel in his chubby bum for all we care
Valentine’s Day is so twee, we all know it. Commercial crap, insincere sentiments ... nowhere close to our cultural beliefs. Someone shoot Cupid in his chubby bum for all we fuddy-duddy grownups care.
But let’s not pretend that, if you’re available, an anonymous card found on your desk (which is not your annual pension statement delivered by the office manager) would not have your heart racing.Beautiful flowers have been proven to create happiness, chocolate even more so ... temporary but there it is, for a fleeting moment (if you don’t eat a kilogram of it – then it’s there to stay, in the hip region, I find).
For the too-long attached, there is some slight offence when you have a partner and only get the skinny Lindt that was on sale at Woolies (which we know about since we bought it – and consumed it – for ourselves earlier in the week. Ask the hips.)For the semi-attached, we also know that there were three-for-two, so who got the others?
It’s worse if you get nothing but a kiss on the cheek with morning breath on the side, no cheesy gift in sight.
Social media is making Valentine’s FOMO the second-most suicidal day for singles, after New Year’s, but at least you can drink yourself forgetful on January 31.
Valentine’s is on a weeknight? How punishing for the reportback in the canteen.
It seems that those who really denounce it seem to have all the fun.
Girls’ nights out to watch Fifty Shades: Freed, bro dates, the odd group singles meet-up in the hope that next year, you know ... maybe.One unromantic and noncommittal fool calls it International Fap Day, and I’ll just leave that there.
Another dodgy dude breaks up with his partner on February 13 and reappears on the 16th or so with (discounted) forgive-me flowers.
So what is the best sentiment for Valentine’s Day?
There’s a lovely couple, both accountants, who sidestep the whole thing with some anti-Valentine’s commercialism.
They buy a mug, sometimes with a teddy in it — on February 15. By tomorrow, it is half-price, people.Because, let’s face it, we are all still recovering from January. At least the calendar gods gave us a shorter second month of the year, so why not a practical V-day gift?
The accountants have a nice collection of heart-themed mugs to show for their frugality.
Some couples are doing anti-Valentine’s dates, including going to test out a climbing wall and extreme driving classes.
Screw overpriced set menus and late sittings.
A new mum got a treadmill one year. I’m not sure if they’ve found her husband’s body yet, but hers is looking great. So it seems it’s best to be thoughtful on this unavoidable, irritating day.
It might get you a smile or a hug ... maybe more if you’re lucky and looking.
My idea is to give an IOU. Handmade, a promise of a treat of their choice at a future date.
And I bloody well want one in exchange.