Oh, the agony: I can’t get a job



Oh, the agony: I can’t get a job

Our new weekly advice column

Yolisa Mkele and Nina Hastie

I keep going for job interviews but I can’t seem to get employed.
YOLISA MKELEJob interviews are a lot like online dating. You trawl the internet looking for the ones who look nice, only to be rejected or discover that those “options” have unseemly warts in inconvenient places.
However, any fisherman or online dating expert will be glad to tell you, often without solicitation, that you must catch a school of trout before landing an angelfish. That, or try fishing somewhere else.
The alternative is to start a business, hire yourself and pay yourself obscene amounts to play golf. A word of warning: there may be some steps missing in between hiring yourself and picking out clubs.
NINA HASTIEFirst of all, darling, get real. Unless you are a crippled Indian woman with level-10 BBBEE clearance, the chances of you getting a job are cloudy with a chance of meatballs.
Maybe take an eat, pray, love trip, get a tan, get a henna tattoo and a bindi, and change your surname to something that rhymes with Gupta. Then book yourself on a skiing trip to the Alps and fall badly so that you break your leg in 17 places.
Get that little blue sticker that lets you park in the special parking, pull up to HR at your dream company and demand that gig. It’s all yours.
•Hastie is a comedian and Mkele is a journalist. Consult a professional therapist if your problem persists.

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