Cig smugglers have to eat, too, you know. So shut up you ...

Ideas

Cig smugglers have to eat, too, you know. So shut up you unpatriotic lot!

This is one of the 10 important changes to daily life thanks to new lockdown rules. Read it and suck it up

Columnist
It is possible the state is basing some of its decisions on the collected works of a criminally insane 17th century biologist who specialised in the identification of animalcules and the propagation of syphilis.
Come, let ye be cured It is possible the state is basing some of its decisions on the collected works of a criminally insane 17th century biologist who specialised in the identification of animalcules and the propagation of syphilis.
Image: 123RF/viktoral

As SA moves to level 4, many of the lockdown regulations have been updated, or relaxed, or tightened, or revoked, or revoked and then reintroduced, or both, or neither, depending on the aforementioned, or not, given the current status of the regulations as they pertain to the previous status, from level 5, which is completely different from level 4 but in most ways identical or less stringent or more stringent or both.

I therefore feel it is important to offer you this handy summary of the most important changes to the daily life of our nation.

1. Grade 7s and Grade 12s are going back to school, except when they aren’t, or won’t. This is because it is important to continue educating our children, especially matrics, so that they can get jobs and immediately be told to stop doing them and stay at home;

2. Sending more than a million children to gather together in groups is also a brilliant way of destroying Covid-19, because, as we all know, 12-year-olds are known for their self-discipline and personal hygiene, their deep understanding of consequences, and their almost fanatical refusal to stand close to each other or touch each other. This is in stark contrast to adults, who can’t wait to rush into offices and lick each other’s faces and share masks;

3. The department of basic education has reassured the nation that no more than 40 children will be allowed into any classroom at any time. This means that schools will only be big petri dishes rather than enormous petri dishes. (For those wondering why 40 children can gather in a classroom but 40 audience members can’t gather in a theatre or 40 diners can’t be filed through a restaurant, the answer is: “Shut your unpatriotic mouth before you demoralise the minister.”);

4. By reinstating the ban on cigarettes, Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma has officially announced that any government policy can be overturned in a matter of days as long as 2,000 people want something different. This is very exciting news for any South African who wants to outlaw income tax, establish a volkstaat, or force politicians to start earning their salaries. The people most thrilled by this development, however, will be Dlamini-Zuma’s supporters, who presumably now only need 1,999 more signatures to reverse the outcome at Nasrec and redeploy Cyril Ramaphosa to be the deputy mayor of Kuruman;

5. To reiterate, the sale of tobacco is illegal. If you find this upsetting, please try to remember: cigarette smugglers, and the politicians they donate to, also have to eat;

All South Africans may exercise outdoors between 6am and 9am ... this excludes most children, although that’s okay because they need to be getting ready to go and be little super-vectors down at Corona Secondary.

6. All South Africans may exercise outdoors between 6am and 9am. However, since they can’t do it in groups, this excludes most children, although that’s okay because they need to be getting ready to go and be little super-vectors down at Corona Secondary. It also excludes any adult who has to be at a workplace by 8am. Since the majority of people currently at a desk by 8am are essential workers, this means that the state has effectively banned most essential workers from exercising;

7. The state has made it clear that its regulations are based on science. It has not, however, specified that it is talking about 20th or 21st century medical science. It is possible, for example, that it is basing some of its decisions on the collected works of a criminally insane 17th century biologist who specialised in the identification of animalcules and the propagation of syphilis. This would definitely explain its decision to send us all out into the streets in a very concentrated burst, perhaps to make the virus think that we are about to charge at it, so it runs away;

8. You are permitted to have a small cry;

9. No, just a small one;

10. Oh, okay. Well, just cry it out. There you go. And try to remember: the sun will rise again. Yes, you’ll be too busy to notice it, what with trying to figure out if you’re still within 5km of your home, and trying to stay 2m away from the stampeding joggers and dog walkers that throng all around you. But rise it will.