I’ll take Epstein-killing ninjas and a smack in a kooky beard ...


I’ll take Epstein-killing ninjas and a smack in a kooky beard over reality

Some explanations in life are far better without the interference of Occam’s razor - and we all love to do it

You know what I hope happened to Jeffrey Epstein? I hope a crack team of assassins, all dressed in black with ninja training and sleek lycra balaclavas, one of them an Asian woman played by Lucy Liu, or whoever the new Lucy Liu is, another a cool black dude played by Idris Elba, yet another of them a bespectacled systems geek who can hack the mainframe or whatever, conducted a targeted infiltration of the Metropolitan Correctional Center, created a diversion, powered down the surveillance system, had a number of escapades, misadventures and narrow escapes, did the dirty deed and escaped on a speedboat down the East River, high-fiving a job well done as they left the shadow of the Brooklyn Bridge.

Who hired them is a matter of personal taste. You may favour the all-powerful Clinton empire, although personally when I remember that Bill was a man who couldn’t cover up a workplace blowjob while he was still the most powerful man in the world, I struggle to see him as some omnipotent global Moriarty. I myself favour HM Queen Elizabeth II, acting to protect the good name, or at least the name, of her favourite son Andrew, who stood to be implicated in the sex-trafficking scandal should it ever to go to court. (Or Harry. She could also have been protecting Harry.)

I like this explanation because it’s more interesting than what is likely to be the real one – that Jeffrey Epstein took advantage of human bungling and the systemic consequences of diminished resources and underfunding in the prison system to make like many a disgraced and dismayed man before him, from Adolf Hitler to Robert Maxwell to Gert van Rooyen, and kill himself rather than face the public consequences of what he had done. But everyone has their own reasons for preferring a fanciful story to the cold astringencies of Occam’s razor, and none of us is immune...

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