They called it liquid gold. Now it literally is
Here are some handy tips on how to survive the hair-curlingly high petrol price. You know you're going to need them
This morning the price of petrol rose from Jesus Wept per litre to It Puts The Lotion On Its Skin per litre. To help cushion the blow, here is a list of handy cost-cutting methods to make your budget stretch a little further if you drive a car.
• Accelerate smoothly. (Cape Town: “accelerate” is a thing you can do with your car if you use that pedal on the right. Johannesburg: “accelerate” is a thing you can do with your car if you have previously done another thing called “braking”. Durban: this is a thing called “a column”. You’re doing super well to have got so far. Hang in there.)
• Don't drive in rush hour. This means you should not drive between 4am and 10.30am, 11am and 2.15pm, 2.17pm and 9.30pm.
• Work for national government. Well, I say “work” but you know what I mean. If you “work” very “hard” you will get a free car containing free petrol, thereby transforming your figurative free ride into a literal one.
• Modify your car to run on liquid gold. It will work out cheaper in the long run.• Go to HR and explain to them that the petrol price is high because the oil price is high, and the oil price is high because of strong US economic growth, the threat of tighter sanctions on Iran, China flexing its muscles and the Machiavellian workings of the Opec cartel. In other words, you are the victim of an international conspiracy by shadowy despots who have made your car too expensive to drive. Explain to HR that they have two choices: either they get Sizwe and Charlene from Legal to sue the United States, China and Opec, or they allow you to work from home.• Use the cash you would spend in your average commuting week to buy and train a team of snow geese to hold the corners of a large blanket in their beaks. Then sit in the middle of the blanket and let your snow geese fly to you work like a homunculus in a Swedish fairy-tale.
• Finally: design yourself a jumpsuit made out of highly adhesive toes of 45 million geckos. Position yourself near an upmarket school at about 7.15am, but obviously not in a creepy way, or in the least creepy way possible while wearing a suit made out of 45 million gecko toes. At about 7.30am the caravan of SUVs will arrive: bloated Porsche Cayennes and Range Rovers, each containing one enormous sense of entitlement and one tiny child. Once the child is offloaded, stick yourself to the rear window or roof of the car and allow it to take you closer to work. Repeat this process until you are there. Or in jail.
Godspeed, South Africa. It’s going to get stressful and bad-tempered out there, so let’s try to remember what’s important and do our best to protect the infinitely precious, irreplaceable cargo we carry in our cars: petrol.