Oh cum, all ye party faithful

Ideas

Oh cum, all ye party faithful

Is it perhaps time our local parties joined in the sperm wail that's risen from China?

Columnist

Gentlemen, a word. If you are planning to donate your sperm at the Peking University Third Hospital this weekend, please make sure that you have renewed your membership to the Communist Party.
What’s that? You don’t demonstrate “love of the socialist motherland”? Well, pally, then you can take your minuscule fifth columnists, your tiny running dogs, and your horde of micro-capitalists and sod off.That, more or less, was the gist of a report on the BBC this week. The Peking University Third Hospital wants the sperm of true socialist revolutionaries, all swimming in lockstep towards the inevitable triumph of the workers’ regime. (The article didn’t go into specifics, but I assume their cubicles contain salacious reading material of a strictly Communist nature, like photo spreads of the Three Gorges Dam with saucy captions like “China’s Construction Industry Gets En-Gorged”.)
Now, I don’t want to disparage anyone who donates to sperm banks for patriotic reasons – after all, patriotism and wankers go pretty much hand in, er, hand, and if you’re already striving to control the mean of production it’s only a small leap to controlling the means of reproduction – but I must confess to being slightly sceptical of the ideological tinge to this story.
China is a one-party state that has just signed up for a lifetime of President Xi, but it still knows which side its mass-produced, nutrient-free bread is buttered. The world’s biggest communist state is now also one of the biggest capitalist ones, and I suspect that increasing numbers of its citizens are becoming bilingual, speaking Marx and Marketing with equal fluency.
All of which makes me suspect that the appeal for loyal communist sperm was part propaganda, part marketing gimmick. Either way, well played, Peking University Third Hospital.
But it has got me wondering whether South African sperm banks ever take a political angle when advertising their services here at home.A pro-ANC sperm bank could draw on a grand tradition of big promises – “A Better Life For All 300 Million Of Your Guys!” – but delivery has always been an issue. And the last thing you want as a client is to be told that your baby has three fathers – Atul, Ajay and Rajesh – and that you have to start paying them maintenance or they’re going to switch off Eskom.
A DA-leaning sperm bank, on the other hand, could point to a relatively good record of delivery but might struggle to wow with its branding, cycling through such options as “Close Your Eyes And Think of England” and “Black People Don’t Dislike Us As Much As You Think They Do” before settling on something like “We’re Not Worse Than Zuma”.
Both of these marketing campaigns, however, would be dwarfed by any sperm bank aligned with the master of self-promotion, the EFF.
Instead of an advertising campaign it would release a policy document entitled “Ejaculation Nation: Revolutionary Conception As A Means To Deploy Baby Fighters To Revolutionary Parents”, in which it outlines its service: revolutionary sperm will be nationalised, with the state then leasing it to prospective parents for a period of 24 hours, along with a free copy of the official parenting manual, “It Takes A Village To Raise A Fighter, But It Takes A Parliament To Make Him Rich”.
Failure to follow the guidelines laid down in the policy document will trigger an inspection by Fertility Commissars, who are mandated to confiscate sperm from clients, unless conception has already occurred, in which case any and all Baby Fighters produced by said conception will be leased back to their parents for a period ranging from one day to 18 years, contingent on the parents’ voting record.
On second thoughts, loyalty to the socialist motherland isn’t sounding so crazy after all …

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