With a Huff and a puff, the Fighters bring us freedom

Ideas

With a Huff and a puff, the Fighters bring us freedom

Now, finally, I understand that the EFF's land policy is genuinely fantastic

Columnist

Well that's all good then. No, really. The whole land thing is sorted.
On Monday, the Huffington Post ran an article titled “How An EFF Government Will Manage Land”. I might have been persuaded to title it “How An EFF Government Says It Will Manage Land, If It Miraculously Grew By 600% Without First Merging With The ANC”, but apparently HuffPo knows something I don't.
The article was based on an interview with the EFF's spokescommissar, Mbuyiseni Ndlozi, if “interview” is the right word to describe a politician speaking unchallenged for over six minutes. Still, I'm very grateful to HuffPo for pressing record on that camera and allowing Ndlozi to deliver his message uninterrupted, because now, finally, I understand that the EFF's land policy is genuinely fantastic.When it comes to land, explained Ndlozi, you will either use it or lose it. Which means if you have it, you're first going to lose it, then use it, and then, depending on the whim of the local EFF office, lose it again.
Delving deep into the EFF's Big Red Folder of Dramatic Assertions, Ndlozi explained that white people are sitting on large tracts of land they they're not using. I assume he means Newlands Cricket Ground on the fifth day of the Test against Australia.
This land, he explained, will be taken over by the state and leased to citizens for 25 years. Every so often a government inspector will come along and make sure that all the land is being used for the purpose agreed upon back when it was first handed over. If you're not using all of your allotted land, it goes back in the kitty and gets leased to someone else for 25 years.
Importantly, nobody can buy or sell this land. “You can't transfer it to anybody without the state's involvement,” said Ndlozi. “Each time you want to move to greener pastures, the land cannot be sold.”Amazing, right? I mean, seriously, what could go wrong?For starters, I'm so relieved that politicians will be in charge of deciding who gets what land, for what purpose, and whether they should be allowed to stay on it. Because, as the past 10,000 years of human history have shown us, politicians and their employees are utterly incorruptible and will, obviously, never use their power over people's livelihoods to manipulate the voting process. You go, Fighters!Secondly, I can't wait to see how green those greener pastures are. Because, as we all know, nothing incentivises people to invest in and develop land when they might have it confiscated by a state that has little interest in property rights. Viva!
Finally, and most importantly, I'm genuinely happy for the EFF that it has finally found a way to create economic freedom in our lifetime. Well, at least for its senior members.
Because you really don't need to nationalise fading gold mines when you can appoint yourself the final arbiter of who gets what land in a land-hungry county: the kickbacks on the kickbacks on the kickbacks will make the appointed few even richer than they already are. Ka-ching!

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