The EFFing and blinding isn’t only happening at the cricket

Ideas

The EFFing and blinding isn’t only happening at the cricket

Poor old Advocate Dali Mpofu. First he has to save Kagiso Rabada, and then Floyd Shivambu gets shirty

Columnist

Spare a thought for Advocate Dali Mpofu.
One minute you’re a national hero for getting Kagiso Rabada unbanned for today’s Test match at Newlands, the next you're getting WhatsApps from Floyd Shivambu telling you he's writing an apology and can you please text him some euphemistic synonyms for “grabbing a journalist by the throat”.
Yes, Tuesday must have been an exceptionally irritating day for the advocate. When you’ve just performed legal miracles to restore a superstar to his rightful place, you really don't want to have to go back to the EFF’s Secret Pretend War Base at Berchtesgaden-am-Braamfontein and ask the lads why they forgot their lines about respecting the press and instead accidentally reiterated their true position on media freedom.Unfortunately for Mpofu, however, the EFF is just getting warmed up. The ANC has poached its land agenda – its only reason for existing – which means it will have to turn the dial up to 11 in the coming month, relying on hyperaggressive nationalism and general belligerence to stay in the public eye and keep its voters convinced that it is a government in waiting rather than a way for Julius Malema to work through his issues with the ANC.All in all, Mpofu is going to have his hands full over the next little while, a fact that should be taken to heart by South African cricket. Because the next time a delicate Australian has his sleeve brushed by a South African and the Anglo-Indo-Australian Broederbond, sorry, I mean the International Cricket Council bans said South African, Mpofu won’t necessarily be around to get him off.
And so, in the interests of keeping Proteas employed, I would like to end with two helpful tips for Australia’s cricketers in Cape Town, to soothe their frightened hearts and calm their shattered nerves, lest they get startled and stampede for the match referee.
Firstly, mates, there is usually quite a strong wind at Newlands. It is incessant and boring, manifesting as an endless, monotonous moan. It’s basically your slip cordon. I mention it, however, because now and then it might muss your hair. Do not be frightened. Kagiso Rabada has not jumped on your head. It is just air, moving quickly.
Secondly, there is a railway line that runs past the stadium. Every so often a train sounds its whistle. You might find this very triggering, because it sounds like the ball going past your nose. Instead of complaining to the match referee that a South African has tried to kill you, remember that, just like your middle order, it is just a temporary visitor full of passengers.
Good luck to the Proteas. Godspeed to the Australians. And God help Dali Mpofu.

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